Hope springs eternal

Hope versus reality. That little flicker, that tiny spark, that burns away in the corner of your mind that THIS time, things will be different. This is the time that the pattern will change. This time they will find their inner humanity and empathy and behave differently. If I had a penny for each time I have thought this, I would be rich indeed.

The funny thing is that when the reality kicks in and nothing changes, I am still saddened. I fervently wish that I would not do this to myself. No matter how many times I remind myself that this is the pattern, this has always been the pattern, that damned, infernal little sliver of hope pops up and whispers just loudly enough for me to hear that there is a chance that things could change. Maybe they have grown in emotional maturity; maybe they have had an awakening, a light bulb moment, that has opened their eyes to the hurtful behaviour.

Part of the problem is that I want to have a healthy relationship, connected and able to communicate and show up for each other, whether it is my parent, sibling, friend or even someone that I have to interact with on a regular basis. We don’t have to be bosom buddies. Just mutual respect and kindness is all I hope for in some cases.

A case in point is a relation of mine who I don’t get to see often, but is in town at the moment, purportedly to have an early celebration of my birthday which is coming up soon. I have always considered us to be close but the way things play out all too frequently makes me feel like I am an afterthought – someone who should be included. There is no consultation around how to make plans work for both of us, just a statement that they want to do certain things, oh and why don’t I join them. No consideration is given to the fact that I don’t own a car or that I have 4 children to think about too. I extended an invitation to lunch at my house, but they only want to go out for lunch. I found accommodation for them in the suburb that I live in so that we could see each other more easily, but they opted for somewhere 45km away. These are perhaps small and silly examples, but they are on the back of a long track record of events. And when I found out they were to be here this weekend, I thought that this time would be different. We would do stuff together and hang out. This is the norm though – if I want to see them then it is on their terms only or not at all.

On the rare occasion that I am in their city, I go out of my way to spend time with them and fit in with them to make sure that we can really bond and catch up. It is just not reciprocated.

Hope too rears its head with my ex. For the sake of my children, I perpetually hope that he can be kinder and more considerate instead of displaying his narcissistic tendencies, but he continues to favour one child over the others and makes no bones about showing this. His lack of empathy and compassion just shows up time and time again, both with dealing with the children and with me. (He doesn’t miss an opportunity to have a dig at me.) My hope was that with me out of the house, things would be a bit better. Maybe I was the aggravation and the match to the tinder. Sadly this has not been the case.

Reading back on what I have written so far, it seems like I am whining over small issues and should just be more accepting. My logical brain is fully aware that I need to put away my hope and expectations, accept that the situation is as it is, but my heart hopes for more. And the disappointment is real. Damn hope and damn the fact that it continues to exist in my heart.