This is not the post that I was planning on writing today. What I was going to write about is how going on a few dates has left me feeling off-kilter and my senses spinning like they have been assaulted. How a number of men portray themselves as one thing, but when you meet them, … Continue reading Man plans, God laughs
My Dad lied. There were the white lies, the bald-faced lies and lying by omission. His ultimate goal when we were growing up was to keep the peace, no matter what the cost. So he told porkies. Sometimes they were to cover up his mistakes; sometimes they were to keep us kids from my mother's … Continue reading Nothing going on here
I feel like I have an iron band around my chest. I want to breathe in deeply and flex everything that I can to burst the band. It is oppressive and causes me to feel like I cannot properly catch my breath. I desperately want to shed it, like sloughing off dead skin. But I … Continue reading I just want to breathe
I have needed to make a decision. One that should be simple enough but is so loaded with emotions that the simplicity has splintered into a million pieces. It all began with an offer to go and visit my parents, with the ticket and travel bought and arranged for me. My immediate response was an … Continue reading Anger
Music has been my company for almost everything in my life, whether it evokes people, places, emotions or events for me. My earliest memory of music which I loved was the Ipi 'Ntombi album, specifically the song The Warrior, where I adored the strong drumming and it instilled a life-long love in me of a … Continue reading Why fight?
A while back, I read a book called Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland. It is a book about the author's journey with borderline personality disorder. When I read it, I really resonated with much of the book - the thinking and the desperation and the hopelessness and unworthiness and more. I subsequently … Continue reading First, do no harm
It's been a year since the Covid pandemic truly took hold. It's been a year since I had Covid. It's been a year since SA lockdown started. It's been a year since my business stopped making money. It's been a year since I hit one of my two darkest depressions to date. Time is a … Continue reading It’s been one year, more or less
What does depression look like on a person? Is it moping around feeling sorry for yourself? Is it wishing that things were different? Is it a pity play? Is it hoping that someone, anyone, will come and rescue you? Is it something that you can snap out of? Is it really a disease or is … Continue reading What is this thing you call depression?
I feel like I am living in a suspension. A particle not dissolved in the solvent. Floating for eternity, going in no particular direction and with no ability to move in one. A tiny blob at the mercy of whatever or whoever is agitating the mixture at their whim. There is a lack of predictability … Continue reading Oblivion
The last few years, especially the last 18 months, have been about letting go. Letting go of people, freedoms, relationships, finances, work, places, things, notions, concepts and ideas. For someone in a rocky place to begin with, lockdowns and restrictions slammed me hard against the wall. But let's go back just a little, prior to … Continue reading Letting Go