Or, at least, there I was. Stuck in what felt like an infinite time-loop continuum. Going from being told I was crazy and needed help, to feeling like I was indeed crazy and needed help and then thinking, (rightfully), that perhaps I am actually relatively normal and it's the other party who needs the help, … Continue reading And There We Were…
Strength. Or lack of it.
Where to from here? This reverberates around my brain often. Which step to take next. Which direction to follow. Which idea to chase down. Which memory to put into perspective. What will be of benefit? What will help me most? What will help my kids most? I find it difficult to distinguish the "right" way … Continue reading Strength. Or lack of it.
Sufficient
Is there ever a time when we feel that we are enough, just as we are? I don't feel sufficient. My mother told me I was not; my husband told me I was not; I had a string of boyfriends that cheated on me and told me implicitly that I was not enough. Is it that … Continue reading Sufficient
Who?
I think I have mentioned before that I find myself feeling isolated when others are getting together with family and friends and I am not involved in something similar. A Christmas or Easter alone or a birthday or whatever it may be. Yes, I can entertain myself by going out to a place of distraction, … Continue reading Who?
Isolation and Loneliness
Isolation and loneliness can go hand-in-hand, depending on the circumstances. In my life, I have had plenty of both, sometimes at the same time. With both a neglectful, narcissistic mother and an ex who had very similar traits, I was in the "perfect" position to keenly feel both of these. My mother abandoned me by … Continue reading Isolation and Loneliness
I don’t know how to do it better
These words reverberate around my head like an accusation or perhaps recrimination or, some days, a plea for mercy. I don't know how to do it better. I don't know how to fix my shit. I really wish I had the answers. I see the flaws in their light or darkness - all of them … Continue reading I don’t know how to do it better
The Visceral Response
I have found over time that a direct result of abuse is the visceral response that I have to the words being said and / or shouted at me. And it doesn't just have to be my usual perpetrators. It is both the tone and the language employed by the other party that can set … Continue reading The Visceral Response
The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
I watched a TED talk on why domestic violence victims don't leave this morning. It was heart breaking, even though the talk was done in a neutral manner, with very little display of emotion. My ex did not physically abuse me, but he threatened it and physically intimidated me at times. The way the verbal … Continue reading The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
