Or, at least, there I was. Stuck in what felt like an infinite time-loop continuum. Going from being told I was crazy and needed help, to feeling like I was indeed crazy and needed help and then thinking, (rightfully), that perhaps I am actually relatively normal and it's the other party who needs the help, … Continue reading And There We Were…
Isolation and Loneliness
Isolation and loneliness can go hand-in-hand, depending on the circumstances. In my life, I have had plenty of both, sometimes at the same time. With both a neglectful, narcissistic mother and an ex who had very similar traits, I was in the "perfect" position to keenly feel both of these. My mother abandoned me by … Continue reading Isolation and Loneliness
I don’t know how to do it better
These words reverberate around my head like an accusation or perhaps recrimination or, some days, a plea for mercy. I don't know how to do it better. I don't know how to fix my shit. I really wish I had the answers. I see the flaws in their light or darkness - all of them … Continue reading I don’t know how to do it better
The Visceral Response
I have found over time that a direct result of abuse is the visceral response that I have to the words being said and / or shouted at me. And it doesn't just have to be my usual perpetrators. It is both the tone and the language employed by the other party that can set … Continue reading The Visceral Response
The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
I watched a TED talk on why domestic violence victims don't leave this morning. It was heart breaking, even though the talk was done in a neutral manner, with very little display of emotion. My ex did not physically abuse me, but he threatened it and physically intimidated me at times. The way the verbal … Continue reading The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
Bent or Broken?
I was listening to Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk this morning. I paid attention to the lyrics more than usual today. There are two lines which go: " Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again". … Continue reading Bent or Broken?
The End of an Era
And here it is - 31 December 2018. It is the ending of a tumultuous year. It has been a year of massive change, huge highs and lows and much growth for me. I can categorically say thank goodness the year is over. It sucked. On a level of one to ten, I would give … Continue reading The End of an Era
The Facade
There is a reason why having a facade can be so helpful in so many ways. It keeps the outside world outside. Perfect for when you don't want to explain why you are in a situation where you are feeling useless and helpless and undermined and unworthy. It helps you to believe that as long … Continue reading The Facade
