July is a tough month for me. Particularly mid-month as it is a time where certain events played out and didn't go according to plan. It was traumatic and I struggle to put it behind me. The body keeps the score - it remembers the trauma. This year I didn't take note of the date … Continue reading I was such a failure
Category: Uncategorized
In the spirals of my mind
Memories have power. They can slide in from left field with no warning, evoking intense emotions and leave you in a completely different space, whether uplifted or flat on the floor in a puddle of tears. I saw a photo this morning of one of my children as a baby. It triggered a chain reaction … Continue reading In the spirals of my mind
I don’t know how I feel
Well, the title about covers it. I don't know how I feel. I have been trying to work it out for about a week now and I can't pinpoint it. I don't feel the desperate nothingness and crushing solitude of being at the bottom of a depressive episode. There is not a calm and restful … Continue reading I don’t know how I feel
The light at the end of the tunnel
I sometimes like to lie on the grass outside my house and gaze up into the trees, watching the leaves moving in the breeze, observing any clouds floating by and listening to the sounds around me. It gives me breathing room on days that are often busy and involve too much looking at a laptop. … Continue reading The light at the end of the tunnel
I want to be the train wreck
I am sad. I am angry. I am hurting. I am anxious. I don't know if my anxiety is driving my stress or my stress is driving my anxiety. I want to be nurtured without having to give something back. I don't have the capacity to give anyone anything. I want a hug to feel … Continue reading I want to be the train wreck
Edges
Life is not a soft, gentle place. It is full of hard edges, bumps and dark places where you can fall off the cliff. There is no respite as long as you continue to breathe. And in my experience, if you think you have found a soft landing, you can be assured that there are … Continue reading Edges
Man plans, God laughs
This is not the post that I was planning on writing today. What I was going to write about is how going on a few dates has left me feeling off-kilter and my senses spinning like they have been assaulted. How a number of men portray themselves as one thing, but when you meet them, … Continue reading Man plans, God laughs
Nothing going on here
My Dad lied. There were the white lies, the bald-faced lies and lying by omission. His ultimate goal when we were growing up was to keep the peace, no matter what the cost. So he told porkies. Sometimes they were to cover up his mistakes; sometimes they were to keep us kids from my mother's … Continue reading Nothing going on here
I just want to breathe
I feel like I have an iron band around my chest. I want to breathe in deeply and flex everything that I can to burst the band. It is oppressive and causes me to feel like I cannot properly catch my breath. I desperately want to shed it, like sloughing off dead skin. But I … Continue reading I just want to breathe
Anger
I have needed to make a decision. One that should be simple enough but is so loaded with emotions that the simplicity has splintered into a million pieces. It all began with an offer to go and visit my parents, with the ticket and travel bought and arranged for me. My immediate response was an … Continue reading Anger
Elevenses in Cape Town 