July is a tough month for me. Particularly mid-month as it is a time where certain events played out and didn’t go according to plan. It was traumatic and I struggle to put it behind me. The body keeps the score – it remembers the trauma. This year I didn’t take note of the date but started feeling very grumpy last Friday and it has gone on and on. On Monday there was a minor incident with my ex where he didn’t respond to my greeting. I went back into my house and burst into tears and this was followed up with a lot of anger towards him. I have felt alternately depressed and angry all week. It dawned on me on Wednesday that it is THAT time of the year.
My skin is not thin at the moment, it has been rubbed raw with open wounds that are seeping pus. I want to cry and scream and shout and curl up in a ball and disappear all at the same time. I want to run and never come back. My brain is churning with the “why me” and “what did I do wrong to deserve this” questions. My heart feels like it wants to break. The pain is real and big and consuming.
There was a discussion on the radio where the hosts were asking listeners what their final 5 words would be if they were lying on their death beds; 5 words that encapsulated their life. It was meant to be lighthearted with things like, “Everything is left to the dog”; “Don’t sell my Playstation 5”; “Wipe my browser history clean”. But all I could keep thinking was, “I was such a failure”. It sits there in my brain like an endorsement of my life. I can’t get my life together. I am not earning, I can’t provide the things that my kids want and that I want to give them, I am not able to be of value. I can’t even control my emotions. All this pain and anger has been directed at my ex this week. I can see nothing good in him and assume that everything is a jibe or swipe at me. My brain has shut down to the possibility that he is not out to get me.
I don’t know how to manage this. I feel swamped by the enormity of my emotions. I am questioning my existence and trying to work out what is the point of life. My brain feels like it just can’t find the answers. If my brain was in the form of a person, it would be hyperventilating and have adrenaline pumping through it, ready for flight. It doesn’t feel like it can fight, so flight. Perhaps frozen on the spot, crouched down, head tucked into the arms and ears covered to drown out the noise.
I was such a failure.