As per the Tears for Fears song, I sometimes feel like a woman in chains. I wish it was as simple as the line “So free her”. I feel chained to my life history and no matter how hard I try, it is like trying to escape from being chained in the middle of a tar pit. The more you struggle, the more you get sucked in.
There are better days: the ones where I have a chance to be in touch with people who genuinely love me and support me, no matter how much I mess things up. There are days that completely fill my soul, like when I saw a friend I hadn’t seen for over a year, who has had serious health issues and who is now on the mend.
But in spite of this, I feel like I am standing next to a campfire in the bush. It is night and the fire casts a ring of light, warmth and protection. But outside of the light, there is a lot of darkness. There are predators. The predators await their chance to attack. All that is required is for that one hyena to stop circling and take its chance to hurl itself at me and grip onto my body with its strong jaws. That moment when I happen to be facing the other way and am holding my lighted, fiery torch in the opposite direction, thinking that the assault will come from a different side. And once the hyena has you, the fight is pretty much over. The rest of the pack will pull you apart.
I have felt the last three weeks that my ring of fire is going out. I’m finding it so hard to keep the torch lit and the campfire burning. I stand alone in my part of the bushveld. So alone. The hyena draws ever closer, every day. It has been snapping its jaws and missing my leg by inches this week. I would like the darkness to engulf me this week. To lay down the torch and rest and just be free of my chains.
Everyone has their own battles to fight. They don’t need to be weighed down by mine too. I don’t ever want people to say of me that I was their burden and sucked them of their time and energy.
My friends and family deserve a person who can support them and love them and be there when they need them. It’s been a long time since I was able to do that for anyone.
I feel consumed by worthlessness and consumed by the question – what’s the point. Maybe the answer can be found here but maybe not. I’m struggling with why I should wait to find out in this life. I’m so tired of the chains.