Memories have power. They can slide in from left field with no warning, evoking intense emotions and leave you in a completely different space, whether uplifted or flat on the floor in a puddle of tears. I saw a photo this morning of one of my children as a baby. It triggered a chain reaction … Continue reading In the spirals of my mind
Tag: Narcissism
The light at the end of the tunnel
I sometimes like to lie on the grass outside my house and gaze up into the trees, watching the leaves moving in the breeze, observing any clouds floating by and listening to the sounds around me. It gives me breathing room on days that are often busy and involve too much looking at a laptop. … Continue reading The light at the end of the tunnel
Nothing going on here
My Dad lied. There were the white lies, the bald-faced lies and lying by omission. His ultimate goal when we were growing up was to keep the peace, no matter what the cost. So he told porkies. Sometimes they were to cover up his mistakes; sometimes they were to keep us kids from my mother's … Continue reading Nothing going on here
Why fight?
Music has been my company for almost everything in my life, whether it evokes people, places, emotions or events for me. My earliest memory of music which I loved was the Ipi 'Ntombi album, specifically the song The Warrior, where I adored the strong drumming and it instilled a life-long love in me of a … Continue reading Why fight?
Hidden Pain
Sometimes the things that come for free are the hardest to obtain. Love, respect, honesty, friendship. In my line of work, I am entering the busiest time of year and with that comes the handling of clients with complaints. As with all of these, some of these are unfounded complaints and others are legitimate. Either … Continue reading Hidden Pain
Serenity – the elusive butterfly
I started this post in the middle of last week and then just didn't finish it. My original thought was to post on the serenity that I am finding more and more often. Then that serenity disappeared in a puff of smoke - burned by the demands of work; the busy times with children; a … Continue reading Serenity – the elusive butterfly
Strength. Or lack of it.
Where to from here? This reverberates around my brain often. Which step to take next. Which direction to follow. Which idea to chase down. Which memory to put into perspective. What will be of benefit? What will help me most? What will help my kids most? I find it difficult to distinguish the "right" way … Continue reading Strength. Or lack of it.
Isolation and Loneliness
Isolation and loneliness can go hand-in-hand, depending on the circumstances. In my life, I have had plenty of both, sometimes at the same time. With both a neglectful, narcissistic mother and an ex who had very similar traits, I was in the "perfect" position to keenly feel both of these. My mother abandoned me by … Continue reading Isolation and Loneliness
I don’t know how to do it better
These words reverberate around my head like an accusation or perhaps recrimination or, some days, a plea for mercy. I don't know how to do it better. I don't know how to fix my shit. I really wish I had the answers. I see the flaws in their light or darkness - all of them … Continue reading I don’t know how to do it better
The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
I watched a TED talk on why domestic violence victims don't leave this morning. It was heart breaking, even though the talk was done in a neutral manner, with very little display of emotion. My ex did not physically abuse me, but he threatened it and physically intimidated me at times. The way the verbal … Continue reading The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
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