Memories have power. They can slide in from left field with no warning, evoking intense emotions and leave you in a completely different space, whether uplifted or flat on the floor in a puddle of tears. I saw a photo this morning of one of my children as a baby. It triggered a chain reaction … Continue reading In the spirals of my mind
I sometimes like to lie on the grass outside my house and gaze up into the trees, watching the leaves moving in the breeze, observing any clouds floating by and listening to the sounds around me. It gives me breathing room on days that are often busy and involve too much looking at a laptop. … Continue reading The light at the end of the tunnel
My Dad lied. There were the white lies, the bald-faced lies and lying by omission. His ultimate goal when we were growing up was to keep the peace, no matter what the cost. So he told porkies. Sometimes they were to cover up his mistakes; sometimes they were to keep us kids from my mother's … Continue reading Nothing going on here
A while back, I read a book called Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland. It is a book about the author's journey with borderline personality disorder. When I read it, I really resonated with much of the book - the thinking and the desperation and the hopelessness and unworthiness and more. I subsequently … Continue reading First, do no harm
Here I sit, two weeks post-divorce, wondering what the hell happened. There were so many people that told me it was a time for celebration, but it didn't feel like that for me. I felt the sting of the loss of the hopes and dreams I had had for this relationship. I felt the weight … Continue reading And then there was one
Where to from here? This reverberates around my brain often. Which step to take next. Which direction to follow. Which idea to chase down. Which memory to put into perspective. What will be of benefit? What will help me most? What will help my kids most? I find it difficult to distinguish the "right" way … Continue reading Strength. Or lack of it.
I think I have mentioned before that I find myself feeling isolated when others are getting together with family and friends and I am not involved in something similar. A Christmas or Easter alone or a birthday or whatever it may be. Yes, I can entertain myself by going out to a place of distraction, … Continue reading Who?
Isolation and loneliness can go hand-in-hand, depending on the circumstances. In my life, I have had plenty of both, sometimes at the same time. With both a neglectful, narcissistic mother and an ex who had very similar traits, I was in the "perfect" position to keenly feel both of these. My mother abandoned me by … Continue reading Isolation and Loneliness
These words reverberate around my head like an accusation or perhaps recrimination or, some days, a plea for mercy. I don't know how to do it better. I don't know how to fix my shit. I really wish I had the answers. I see the flaws in their light or darkness - all of them … Continue reading I don’t know how to do it better
I have found over time that a direct result of abuse is the visceral response that I have to the words being said and / or shouted at me. And it doesn't just have to be my usual perpetrators. It is both the tone and the language employed by the other party that can set … Continue reading The Visceral Response