Where to from here? This reverberates around my brain often. Which step to take next. Which direction to follow. Which idea to chase down. Which memory to put into perspective. What will be of benefit? What will help me most? What will help my kids most? I find it difficult to distinguish the "right" way … Continue reading Strength. Or lack of it.
Is there ever a time when we feel that we are enough, just as we are? I don't feel sufficient. My mother told me I was not; my husband told me I was not; I had a string of boyfriends that cheated on me and told me implicitly that I was not enough. Is it that … Continue reading Sufficient
I think I have mentioned before that I find myself feeling isolated when others are getting together with family and friends and I am not involved in something similar. A Christmas or Easter alone or a birthday or whatever it may be. Yes, I can entertain myself by going out to a place of distraction, … Continue reading Who?
Isolation and loneliness can go hand-in-hand, depending on the circumstances. In my life, I have had plenty of both, sometimes at the same time. With both a neglectful, narcissistic mother and an ex who had very similar traits, I was in the "perfect" position to keenly feel both of these. My mother abandoned me by … Continue reading Isolation and Loneliness
These words reverberate around my head like an accusation or perhaps recrimination or, some days, a plea for mercy. I don't know how to do it better. I don't know how to fix my shit. I really wish I had the answers. I see the flaws in their light or darkness - all of them … Continue reading I don’t know how to do it better
I have found over time that a direct result of abuse is the visceral response that I have to the words being said and / or shouted at me. And it doesn't just have to be my usual perpetrators. It is both the tone and the language employed by the other party that can set … Continue reading The Visceral Response
I watched a TED talk on why domestic violence victims don't leave this morning. It was heart breaking, even though the talk was done in a neutral manner, with very little display of emotion. My ex did not physically abuse me, but he threatened it and physically intimidated me at times. The way the verbal … Continue reading The Painful Acceptance of Being An Abuse Victim
I was listening to Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk this morning. I paid attention to the lyrics more than usual today. There are two lines which go: " Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again". … Continue reading Bent or Broken?
And here it is - 31 December 2018. It is the ending of a tumultuous year. It has been a year of massive change, huge highs and lows and much growth for me. I can categorically say thank goodness the year is over. It sucked. On a level of one to ten, I would give … Continue reading The End of an Era
There is a reason why having a facade can be so helpful in so many ways. It keeps the outside world outside. Perfect for when you don't want to explain why you are in a situation where you are feeling useless and helpless and undermined and unworthy. It helps you to believe that as long … Continue reading The Facade